High Conflict vs Healthy Conflict

On Sunday our minister worked a book called High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out by Amanda Ripley into his sermon. If you’ve never read Ripley’s book, check it out of your library. I honestly think that everyone should read this book at least once a year.

The premise is simple. We have, as a society and a nation, developed a permanent state of high conflict. High conflict isn’t about working things out. It isn’t about compromise. It is about winning at all costs.

Think about politics. The verbage is war-like. We must prevail. We must preserve our way of like. We must conquer our foe.

A friend of mine came up to me after the service. “Is there something going on that I don’t know about? Have I missed some kind of conflict?”

It’s funny because she is one of the least contentious people that I know. Not only is she not contentious, she’s highly conscientious. So naturally she worries that she’s said something or done something or at the very least missed something.

I suspect, and this is just my suspicion, that our pastor is hoping to help us avoid high conflict. You see, he’s the pastor of not one but two congregations occupying the same facility. Ideally, we will do more than work side-by-side and work on things together.

But part of that will ideally involve listening to how the other group does things. Neither group can assume that everything they do is the RIGHT way to do things or the ONLY way or . . . heaven forbid . . . GOD’S way.

And I’ll admit that I’ve had to check my natural tendencies. I live in Man Land. I am the only female with two very headstrong men – my husband and our college-aged son. To ever get my way, and this includes even simple things like what kind of bread we get, I have to dig in my heals, put down my head, and brace myself. It is going to be a struggle because one or the other of them has a strong opinion on everything.

But this also means that I have to be careful not to approach absolutely every situation like this. 90% of the time, I’m pretty good about it. But there were things I was in charge of in our old building that are no longer exclusively my turf. While I could just dig in, I find that is better to hear how they do things. Ask, listen, listen some more, and then think about it. Will this work? Is our way really better?

And if I spend my time giving it some thought, I’m likely to avoid conflict. They’ll see that I’m listening. And that will make them more likely to listen in turn. If we can work things out and avoid healthy conflict, not to mention high conflict, that was a sermon well worth taking the time to listen to.

–SueBE

Speak from the Heart

My friend’s husband loved to kayak and sail.
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Almost a month ago, I wrote about the loss of my friend’s husband. The day he was in the hospital, she and I exchanged texts.

But I was slow in reaching out after he passed. Her children had come back to town. Her husband was one of nine children. She is one of . . . four? She was surrounded by an abundance of family. And what could I possibly say? I was at a loss.

Still, I knew that I needed to reach out. But as the days added together, it became harder. It was like the longer I waited, the more touching and inspired my letter had to be. Finally I pulled out a blank card.

“Lord, I need to know what to say.”

I would love to tell you that I heard the voice of God. But there was no burning bush. No choirs of angels. Instead, I was simply certain that I needed to speak from the heart and be myself.

I may as well admit it. I’m known for being blunt and pointing out uncomfortable truths.

But that also means that I’m good at being straightforward. Personally, I think that’s a strength although a recent rejection letter gave that as the reason for passing on my work.

I wrote out the card and dropped it into the mail.

Saturday was her husband’s funeral. “How did you know that was exactly what I needed to hear?”

I’m not going to claim that I was certain when I wrote it. But what I do know is that small voice I heard was definitely not my own.

–SueBE

All Shall Be Well

This summer has been . . . interesting. In April, my son came home. His girlfriend’s internship had fallen through.

“But all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”

I use this as a prayer, it is actually one of my favorites, but it is really a quote from the writings of Julian of Norwich.

Anyway, the internship fell through but he’d helped her find another internship here in town. It was too late for her to get a spot in student housing. Could she stay with us?

“But all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”

I don’t accept change readily, but I knew this was the right thing to do. So I said okay but then I fussed. Mentally. I didn’t know this girl well. What if she didn’t fit in here? What if she was high maintenance? What if she didn’t like me?

“Mom, guess what? She’ll be working from home three days a week!”

I can’t even imagine the look on my face over that one.

“But all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”

And really, it has gone well despite the fact that I’m an introvert who doesn’t like change. It turns out she’s an introvert too. But on the days that it is just she and I together at the lunch table, we get around to talking. And I’ve gotten to know her.

Given how introverted she and I both are, I don’t know how long that would have taken if she hadn’t lived here. And now that she’s getting ready to move back into the dorms? I’m going to miss having her around.

“But all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”

–SueBE

Check Your Intent

Throughout the year, from January until August, we ask members of the congregation to bring in school supplies. One month it might be crayons and colored pencils. Another it will be paper. Then in August, we give the supplies out to needy students. Small donations add up, and we managed to help something like 300 children and their families.

But I noticed something odd. Every time the organizer makes an announcement, one volunteer bounces up out of her seat. “And don’t forget that…” and off she goes in another direction. Yesterday I looked at my husband and raised one eyebrow. He just shrugged. He too had sensed the odd vibe.

I don’t have a clue what is going on. I really don’t.

But I’ll admit that it has caused me to check my own behavior a few times. You know how it is on social media. You quickly scroll through Facebook and see a message about the movie or museum exhibit your friend just saw. And then you quickly key a response. Lately, I’ve been deleting more of them than I send.

All too often, I find that my response isn’t as much about their news as I would like it to be. Instead, I’m relating a story or news about . . . me. “Hey, y’all! Look at me! I’m a good mom/neighbor/friend.” Which might be true enough but is this what I really want to do? Shift focus away from my friend?

Yes, it’s a small, subtle thing. But little things add up. And really? I’d rather they add up into something positive and not just something . . . odd.

–SueBE

Predestination and Dark Times

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Presbyterians believe in predestination. Many people think that this means that everything that happens is God’s will. This weekend our minister explained that, among other things, it has to do with the nature of time. No matter where we are, no matter when we are, God will already be there when we get where we are going.

This was an especially valuable message this weekend. I had just gotten a message from a dear friend. Her husband had a massive heart attack. He was in a coma in the hospital. The prognosis was not good.

God was there too. He was there with my friend. He was there with her husband. He was there with the medical staff.

I never know what to pray at times like this. I know I’m expected to pray for healing. And that would be really great. People tell me that they are praying for miracles. That’s awesome too.

But is telling God what I want to happen actually prayer? I don’t know. Admittedly, I do it.

I believed all along that God was there with them. But understanding that he was predestined to be there with them made prayer easier. Hold them in the palm of your hand. Ease her heart. Speak into the hearts of the care team. Shield them in love.

Amen.

Even now, as my friend deals with her husband’s passing, I know that God is already there. He is with her. He is with their sons. He is with us all as we cook and clean and sit and listen while she tells stories about this kind, quiet man who will be missed by many.

God is already there.

–SueBE

Them and Us, Debts and Trespasses

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Does your church seek to be welcoming to others? Or do you set up a dichotomy between members vs nonmembers? This can happen in so many ways, and often it is entirely unintentional.

My community is very Catholic. Whenever a group says the Lords Prayer, they get to “forgive us. . .” and then there is pause. Which will it be, debtors or trespasses? We Presbyterians say “debtors” while our Catholic neighbors go the trespasses route.

Why don’t we say it the same way? The Lord’s Prayer or, as Lori calls it, the Our Father is found in Matthew (6:9-13). In the original Greek, the word is opheiletes which translates as debts. Verse 14 includes the Greek paraptoma which translates as trespasses. Unless you read Biblical Greek, you are reading a translations. As soon as we start to look at who translated what when, we see it bounce back and forth between debtors and trespasses.

• 1395 Wycliff made the first English translation of the Bible. He used debtors.
• 1526 The Tyndale translation followed and he used trespasses.
• 1549 Book of Common Prayer still used trespasses.
• 1611 And with the King James Bible we are back to debtors.

So which word is better? I would argue that they are simply different because . . . they are at least in Engligh. Trespasses means someone has crossed a line. Debtors implies that someone owes you.

My own feeling isn’t that one is better than the other. I think that a lot of which one is used has to do with belonging. If you belong here, you say trespasses. If you belong there, you say debtors. And if you get it wrong, everyone is going to know that you aren’t one of us.

I’m really conscious of this right now because my son’s girlfriend has been going to church with us. I don’t want her to feel like an outsider. Which begs the question, why should anyone feel like an outsider?

Christ ate with tax collectors. He welcomed lepers. He empowered the people who were outcasts and unwanted. I hope we can manage to make people feel welcome whether we say debtors or we say trespasses.

–SueBE

One Person’s Weeds…

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As we cohabitate with another congregation, those of us who were the most active in moving our congregation are finding it hard to turn off. Lately we’ve been eying things that need painting, restaining, and . . . that! That right there! Those weeds need to go.

As is the case with many large buildings, this one has numerous exits. I’m not joking when I tell you that I can think of at least 10. I’ve probably missed a few because not every exit is in use. Part of the reason for this is that the plant-life around a few has taken over.

We were making plans to cut back the weeds that surrounded at least two doors when the silly things bloomed. Black-eyed Susans! I’m not sure who went to the trouble of establishing these particular flowers but it is awesome to look down the length of the building and see them in bloom.

Sure, the area right around the doors themselves needs to be cleared. If someone has to go out that way, they are going to get their foot caught and do a face plant. But think about the hard feelings we would have created if we had helpfully ripped up someone’s flowers!

Yes, our help is needed. But we need to be sure to touch base with people before we get to work. If we don’t, we are likely to step on someone’s toes.

It doesn’t matter what the situation is. When you are the new kid, you aren’t going to be up on the local culture. This might be corporate culture or actual ethnic culture. While being new can make it easier to spot things that need doing, it is just as important to know that your weeds may be another person’s Black-eyed Susans. You may be where God wants you to be, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t there to learn a thing or two from God’s children who are already present.

–SueBE

The Yoke of Christ

I’ve always loved this verse. That’s why I made the photo badge to share on our church’s Facebook page. But I love it even more now that our minister has explained it to us.

I don’t know about you, but I know a lot of people who are going through tough times. A massive tree branch fell on a friend’s house and cracked a rafter. Her husband is having surgery today to reconstruct the tendons and ligaments in his ankle. Someone else is in recovery. The ceiling in another friend’s garage collapsed. And the list goes on. And on. And on.

Sadly, we aren’t promised easy times simply because we follow Christ. But we are promised that He will be with us.

That’s part of the promise Christ makes in this verse. He isn’t saying that your yoke will be easy. Or my yoke will be easy. Nope. It is his yoke.

Remember that a yoke links two animals together. It means that the power and the muscle available to do a job is that of not one but two animals. Sometimes one is more powerful than the other and the yoke is fashioned so that the more powerful animal has more of the load.

Think about that for a minute. Each of us is yoked to Christ. Yes, we are directed to do God’s work on Earth, but we aren’t doing it alone. We are doing it with Christ and that’s going to make our jobs lighter. After all, I think we all realize who is the more powerful being in this pairing.

Add to this the fact that Christ was a carpenter. Biblical carpenters didn’t build cabinets or lay floors. They created household goods and agricultural implements including yokes. A yoke had to be carefully crafted to fit both animals. Rough spots needed to be smoothed to prevent injury. Each yoke was handcrafted and custom made.

The yoke that you share with Christ? It was made for you. And Christ is right there alongside you. There will be work. There will be toil. But Christ is right there with us lightening our burdens.

–SueBE

Freedom in Christ

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“For freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1 (NRSV)

On the 4th of July, we often spend a great deal of time talking about freedom. We have freedom of speech. We have freedom to assemble.

But we also have freedom in Christ. Above is one of my favorite verses about this freedom. I especially love that reminder. “Do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

According to my reading, Paul was most likely talking about slavery to church law. Not that the laws of God are bad or evil or misguided.

People on the other hand? We are constantly misguided. We take something wonderful, like freedom, and make it into a task with checklists and a burden that is so great we need to be yoked together to shift it.

How do we do this when it comes to freedom? The one way that I can think of is when we make our freedom someone else’s burden. This can happen in any number of ways such as when we feel the need to point out to oh so many people that we think they are wrong. Their ideas are wrong. The way they dress is wrong. Hey! Hey, you! You shouldn’t have said that. It was wrong.

And I have to admit that the more I think about it, it isn’t just them that we are burdening but also ourselves. There’s a reason that Paul warned the people of Galatia about picking up that yoke. It is human nature to want to be right, to fit in, and to belong.

On the 4th, as my back patio is adrift in university students, I’m going to practice hospitality. “Welcome! I’m so happy to see you! Please, get yourself a plate. There is plenty for everyone.”

Whether you make it to my back yarn or not, if you celebrate, have a Blessed Fourth of July!

–SueBE

Unexpected Surprises of the Good Kind

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Last week we had our last Bible study of the year. Each year the PC USA puts out a women’s Bible study and most groups finish up in June or July. This year was a sabbath study complete with the challenge to start observing the Sabbath in a meaningful way.

No, there isn’t an assumption that we’d start keeping all of the Old Testament sabbath rules. But we were challenged to spend significant time with God. The author of this study is a minister so she conceded that doing this on Sunday may not work for all of us. But we should pick a day and make it happen.

I started out with good intentions. I’ve got a notebook. It even has a few entries in it.

But then we sold our church building. This meant that I was at church at least three times a week getting things ready to move. Sorting, clearing, trashing, giving away.

I work so that meant when I wasn’t at church or doing something with my family, I was working. My good intentions to observe the sabbath fell away.

I hate failing.

So I really wasn’t looking forward to our study group meeting. Add to this the fact that our group has been invited to join with a group from the other congregation. The problem is that their group meets during the day. I can’t do that because of work.

As we discussed our efforts to observe sabbath, each woman discussed her successes. They talked about study and prayer. They talked about meditation and time with family. Then they got to me.

“I haven’t done anything for months. It’s gone really badly.”

“You’ve been so busy.”

“You did so much on the move.”

“We should work through it again.”

Wait. What?

It started out with one woman suggesting that we redo the study. This time we’ll borrow the DVD that the other group uses. Then we can watch the lessons for review. And everyone will work through it with me.

I hate failure but that’s not what this felt like anymore. It felt like community and kindness. It felt like Christ’s joy and love come to Earth.

I often talk about how surprising people can be. They can be. And they are. And often it is truly amazing.

–SueBE