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If you’ve ever heard those words (you know, the ones in the title), you probably heard them from an older sibling, possibly a brother. Or from a schoolyard bully, possibly Bubba Rangel, but probably not. In the “stop hitting yourself” maneuver, someone bigger and stronger causes you to slap yourself in the face with your own hands while repeatedly taunting, “Why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself!” As if you could.

Now that we’re grown up, we have a choice. But some of us keep doing it anyway. Have you felt inadequate during this pandemic — that you should have accomplished more, done something better? Stop hitting yourself. Have you beaten yourself up for being scatterbrained, even though there’s more on your plate than you ever dreamed possible? Stop hitting yourself. Have you nagged yourself over weight you’ve gained, arguments you should have made but didn’t, ways you’ve been insufficient or overwrought? You get the drift.

Let’s all be like SueBE’s good Samaritan and give ourselves some grace.

You have it in your hands
to shape what you feel
soul-deep, to scold or soothe,
calm or caution — claim it.
What grace you dispense to yourself
will fill the font from which you draw
sustenance for others. You cannot pour
from an empty cup, and God knows,
so much needs watering. Hands at rest
can do more than you know. Hearts, too.

I sat down earlier today and tried to write a post.  It has been especially difficult for me to post here the past few weeks.  But then it struck me, many of you are probably feeling similar to how I am.  Stressed?  Overwhelmed?

And now I’m telling you to improve the world – more stress!  No, no.  That’s not what I mean at all.  I’m suggesting that you pull in and pull back.  Yes, like Lori said, we all need to have empathy right now.  But you also need to take care of yourself and that self care needs to include your inner world.

I have to say that I have been doing an especially bad job of this.  Even now, I’ve had deadlines.  My work hasn’t slowed.  So now I’ve just got more to deal with.  I thought I was doing a pretty good job but let’s just say that I had a wee little melt down yesterday.  I’ve been checking hings off my to-do list and getting things done but . . .

Yoga?  Cancelled.

Church?  Cancelled.

These are the primary ways I center myself and two weeks without have left a mark.  Don’t be like Sue.  Take care of this before you too have a tantrum.

Take time to center.  Spend time in quiet.  Take time to breathe.  We each do this in different ways.  You might read your Bible.  Or listen to music.  Me?  I sit and knit.  Or I do yoga although relaxation pose is sometimes less meditation oriented and more nap oriented.  Yeah. I admit it.

But I took well over an hour yesterday just to knit.  And then I spent another hour knitting and listening to an audio book.  And I read my Bible. I’m on Numbers.

And today?  Today I’m coping better but I also realize that I need to pull in and pull back every day.  And I’m betting that many of you need this as well.  It’s okay.  We understand.  Just breathe.



white and black ceramic cup filled with brown liquid on brown wooden suffaceHas this ever happened to you? I woke up this morning thinking about how to unpack issues that have affected my family for years and started mentally running in place:

  • I’ve got to figure this out!
  • C’mon, you must try harder!
  • Maybe I need to get more expert advice?
  • Perhaps I should spend more money on things that might help?

Luckily, I realized I’m not God, and can’t get my arms around the whole world. I can only work on the part of the problem that’s within my control. One part is, don’t get so worked up that you end up standing still.

Relieve yourself of the guilt of not having a magic wand that solves all of life’s problems instantly. Take one thing at a time. Pause. Breathe. Start where you are.

I’ve also found that, if each of us has a piece of a larger puzzle, sharing what we’ve learned can help. Being preachy or judgy doesn’t. Commiserating doesn’t help either, as we seem to only end up “sharing the misery.” Collaborating helps. Saying, “I’ve been in a similar situation, here’s what’s helped for me.” Encouraging helps. Asking, “What can I do to relieve some part of your burden? If you never get a night to yourself and feel stressed, can I watch the kids for you?”

Take care of the people you love by showing up for yourself today. Help yourself the way you’d help that friend who needs a night out. Be good to yourself, and, in that centered place, answers often arrive like manna from Heaven.

Dear Flabby, Why does everyone else have someone who loves and adores and fulfills them, yet I am alone? Signed, Searching in Schenectady

Dear Searching:
Look inside yourself.
Peel back your bones.
Where is your heart hiding?
Has it set a place at the table
for unlikely visitors: angels
undercover? Light in unusual
bodies? Look further, into unguarded
places. Find yourself in the last place
you’d look, and you will find your answer.
Nothing outside can fill the void. You must
tend yourself like a flower, remain in light,
rain tenderly on even the ugly bits.
Nurture and coax. Believe in what
will blossom. The enormity of its
blood-red blooms will fill you.
Like will attract like, easy,
bees in a field of flowers.


I don’t go around thinking about Original Sin all that much. Who does? It’s like an old stain on a favorite shirt. Who remembers how it got there? But something our friend Lady Calen wrote recently caused me to have what can only be deemed a revelation: What if Original Sin isn’t what we think it is? What if it isn’t disobedience — which, let’s face it, never made much sense (“You can eat from any of the trees in the garden except that one. It’s the best one, by the way.”). What if it’s a little more personal?

Just after the fracas with the apple, God asks Adam and Eve why they’ve donned snappy little outfits made of leaves. Adam says, essentially, “We were naked, so we covered ourselves up.” But who told them that being naked was a bad thing? Who got into their heads with comments like, “Seriously, Eve, those thunder thighs. Put on a skirt”? Not the snake. They did it themselves.

What if Original Sin is a failure to love ourselves properly?

Take a minute to think it through. What if our inability to love ourselves is at the root of sin and hatred toward others? What would happen if we stopped running ourselves down and fully participated in the gifts we were bestowed? Maybe something miraculous.

But Lori, you might say (if you knew me well enough to know my name), plenty of people love themselves. In fact, they love themselves a little too much. Maybe that’s just the other side of the sinful coin. Narcissism is like looking at oneself the wrong way through a telescope. It has no more to do with reality than undermining ourselves constantly. And it can lead to the same failure to love others properly. Only after we are at home in ourselves — neither grossly overvaluing nor undervaluing our beings — can we properly live among others.

Does that sound too easy? Well, contemplate this: How many of us have managed to love ourselves properly, historically speaking? How many of us have got it right? Someone who loves herself does not start a war. He or she does not commit violence. He or she does not hate others, because he/she is secure in him/herself. So the answer to the aforementioned questions is this — practically nobody.

It is our lives’ work to know and love ourselves, to find our place in the world at large. That’s it. And yet we fail at it, over and over again. I’m not excluding myself. Just this morning I wondered why on earth I should love a short-tempered old cow like myself. I haven’t got the answers. I can only pose the questions.

But if loving ourselves is the point — if failure to love is our Original Sin — hadn’t we better get a jump on fixing it? Let’s start now, during this blessed season, by doing one thing for ourselves. Take a nap. Be content with the presents you’ve bought. Stop stressing. And just open your heart up, to yourself and to the world. You know, sometimes I put two and two together and make a pretty good-sounding “four.” I’m gonna rest in that knowledge today.


Have a Mary Little Christmas

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