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Kind people, I’d like to share with you Auntie Ruth’s Rules of Life. In a nutshell, you and I will get along just fine if you’ve got the following attributes:
- Sense of decency
- Sense of humor
- Sense of purpose
I don’t need to know your pedigree. What letters you’ve got after your name. Your group affiliations. Your alma mater. Your net worth.
As long as you’re a decent human being who treats me like a decent human being, we’re golden.
So I found out recently that someone I’d thought of as a friend was actually a bigot, which violates the “sense of decency” rule. I was surprised when I realized this; as a person with a disability who’s been on the receiving end of discrimination herself, you’d think she’d have more empathy.
You might say, call her out on it. But it won’t change her mind. She won’t suddenly see the light after our conversation.
Here in New Jersey, there’s a gesture that I’ve termed, “the up-down.” Someone looks you in the eye, scans your body all the way down to your feet, then looks back up at your eyes again. It’s an insecure person’s way of diminishing others in the mistaken belief that it will elevate them.
Maybe bigots are trying to be “big,” so they need someone else to be “small.” Maybe they’ve been hurt so many times in life that they’ve become one of the hurt-ers.
It could be that the only answer is no answer. Just disengage. As with any problem too large for me to get my arms around, I’ll pray it out, get back to center, and leave it in God’s hands.
Forgiveness is one of the main tenets of most religions, but for me, it’s a work-in-progress. Sometimes I’m able to forgive those who trespass against me instantly, and, at other times, only incrementally.
I realized the other day that I’m also guilty of “forgiveness head-fake;” that is to say, I start out full of compassion, intending to let go of an infraction, but then I get to mulling. Once I start really thinking about it, I start to smolder. Mulling and smoldering might be a good recipe for cider and fondue by the fire, but it’s not so good for the soul.
That Mull and Smolder Syndrome came into effect recently when I realized my mailbox had been run over, yet again. It really had me riled up, because the perpetrator was the grocery delivery driver. He’d brought my food into the house and never mentioned that he’d just demolished my mailbox. I even gave him a tip and a granola bar!
This irked me so much that I couldn’t let go of my anger, even after the grocery company paid to repair my mailbox. Then I came across the viral video about a young man who ran over a mailbox in icy conditions and apologized sincerely to the homeowner, even coming back a few days later with cookies. That’s how it should be done! I could forgive that young man in a heartbeat. If I could forgive him, I can find it in my heart to forgive the truck driver.
Sometimes, it’s important to forgive — even when the offender hasn’t apologized — to protect your own mental health. When you’ve done all you can do, let go, let God and leave the past behind you.
His suggestion to “let go of difficulties” gave me pause. While focusing on the positive is beneficial for mental health, discontent and anger are red flags that tell you that something needs attention.
As Professor of Medicine at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, James Carmody says in this article, humans are wired to worry. “Tension is often unnoticed in the midst of managing everyday demands, but its background discomfort sends us looking for relief in something more pleasant like a snack, a screen, a drink or a drug.”
Those points of tension in your body are the way your psyche asks you for a relief valve. For me, along with meditation, I decompress with prayer, exercise, and knitting. Things that allow me to just breathe and be.
At the risk of sounding like a guru-gecko, your to-do list will always be there in some form, so give yourself a break. Moments of repose can help bring you back to center.
A setback is a set-up for a comeback!
It’s always darkest before the dawn!
You’ve got this!
These are some of my favorite “pleasant platitudes,” although I prefer to call it “staying on message” even when times get tough. Sure, it may seem as if I went to the Cliché Carousel and bought some annoying affirmations in bulk today, but these corny sayings have a kernel of truth. 😉
These are the kinds of things I’d say to the people who are in my heart, but for whatever reason, not often actually in my life. They go “radio silent” or “incommunicado.” Now, mind you, I know they’ve got their reasons. I might not be able to relate to their situation, but it doesn’t make their experience any less valid.
If friends or relatives are facing challenges that they can’t put into words, it’s hard not to think they’re mad at you or (perhaps worse) don’t care about you. Still, you’ve got to consider yourself first and shore up your own soul instead of worrying about them.
Take care of you. Until they share what’s going on, encourage yourself. Keep the faith. Count your blessings. Go to your happy place.
Then when they do finally open up, you’re centered and still. That’s when you can be fully present for them. Till then, focus on the positive and stay true to you. Godspeed, dear hearts!
What if you found out you’d never be able to lose weight as long as you held a grudge in your heart? Say you hatched a plan to exact revenge and succeeded in getting your “pound of flesh,” only here’s the catch: you have to wear it on your person as a saddlebag! I can only imagine how quickly most of us would find a way to be forgiving.
We seem to hold onto grudges as a means of survival, as if being cynical will protect us from being hurt or betrayed ever again. Perhaps your body is listening and thinks you want to keep a wall between you and the possibility of being wounded again, a “blubber buffer,” if you will.
Or maybe God’s getting tired of hearing you complain about that last boyfriend who never bought you flowers, and now he’s gone and married a florist! The injustice! So the maker of all things decides to teach an object lesson. You stop hurting when you stop hating, child. Until you do, I’m going to physically add weight to you until you get the correlation. Zap! You’re zaftig.
Whatever the particulars were, whoever the players were, the only way to release yourself from past pain is to love yourself more than you hate the ones who hurt you.
When you lighten up and let go of that heavy burden, the least that will happen is that you’ll have more time for the blessings in your life. You may not lose weight, but you’ll lose hate. And that’s how you make space for grace.
What do you do when you feel overwhelmed? It’s not just all in your head. Your experience is valid. Even if no one else shows up to support you, remember to show up for yourself.
Walk out of the room where negative notions gripped you. Keep walking until you find the room you’ve designated as Home Base. A grace-place where all is well, no matter what else is going on in the world.
Search online for deep breathing techniques and calming music videos.
Watch a live stream from a cat cafe.
Breathe in through the nose. Out through the mouth.
Remind yourself: You’re here, not there.
Be here, where that virtual cliff’s edge isn’t. Be where the worst that could happen, hasn’t.
Be in this breath. This breath is blessed.
Do something symbolic, like stretching toward the sky, reaching for the clouds. Light a candle. Watch old sitcoms. Go to Mayberry, or even Petticoat Junction. Everything’s okay there.
Talk to your own mind. Stay here. Don’t go down that dark alley that doesn’t really exist yet. In the peaceful place of yes, you may find the antidote to that no. Shelter in place until the looming doom passes. Keep the faith: The sun will rise again.
When I was driving my son and his friends everywhere during his school years, I couldn’t wait for him to reach driving age so I wouldn’t have to be their chauffeur anymore. As it happened, soon after he got his license, I had to take myself off the road due to my visual impairment. It turned out to be a tough decision, though, since not being able to drive anymore really limits your — wait for it — autonomy.
As I thought about all of the things taken from me by my MS, I’ve come up with a theory. Instead of calling them deficits, I’m wondering if it isn’t really just the unorthodox method by which my psyche has tried valiantly to protect me.
Trauma from the past we’d just as soon forget getting us down? Inner me waves a wand. Poof! Don’t remember things anymore! Have some memory issues!
Don’t want to feel this bad ever again? Poof! Don’t feel things. Have some neuropathy!
So what if I have to Google “how to hard boil an egg” every time I want to make an egg salad sandwich. I’ve let go of the guilt of not being able. Everyone else can do X. I can’t. Okay, I’ll focus on doing Y. What I can do is tell you my stories and offer encouragement to get through your own hardships. When I’m not sure if my thoughts make sense on the page, I can always rely on Lori and SueBE to proofread for me. Find your team and you’ll find your way. I focus on what I can do, and do it.
We’ve all got our share of dark clouds in life, but the silver lining is this: you’re still you. You’re still here. You’ve got the chance every day to carry on.
So you’re doing a spring cleaning and you want to get really efficient. An inspired idea occurs to you: Let’s wash everything all at once! We’ll throw in the clothes, the comforters, the curtains. Even the carpets! It’ll be great. Get it all done at one time. Now we’re on a roll!
Cut to: Washer breaks down because it was overloaded. Repair work costs you an arm and a leg.
Just as you can only wash one load of laundry at a time, it’s best to focus on one problem at a time. When you start to think of one thing that’s gone haywire in your life, it can often lead to thinking of every other pesky issue that needs attention as well.
Of course, you can’t solve all your problems at once. In fact, making yourself crazy by going over all of them in your head creates a new problem: brain overload. It’s like being stuck in the agitation cycle of the washer. It’s all coming at you at once, and your head is spinning.
Why not schedule an hour to brainstorm about that one thing that’s at the top of your worrying to-do list? Write down in a sentence what’s most troubling. Look at the problem as a project. Think of all the options. Make a plan. Google it. Take the steps you can take right away. Ask for help if it’s available. Once you’ve done all you can, let it go and leave it in God’s hands.
Studies for The Libyan Sibyl, Michelangelo (from Wikipedia)
Isn’t it funny how it’s possible to give yourself a hard time over mistakes you made years ago? I wonder why the brain holds onto what hurts it in that way. Whoever made those decisions doesn’t even exist anymore. The you of today would surely choose a different path.
Rather than beating yourself up, seeing yourself as another person will make it easier to forgive yourself. That wasn’t you at all. It was the you of today in training. When you’re in training, you make mistakes. Good news: you’re not in training anymore. You’ve graduated to become the you of today. One thing is true: you won’t make those same mistakes again, having learned the hard way what doesn’t work. You get to make new mistakes! Lucky you!
But in a way, there are no mistakes if you’re sculpting a life of your own creation. You chip away until the figure forms and you’re satisfied. If you look at all the early versions of his great paintings Michelangelo threw into the scrap pile, you’ll realize those drawings weren’t mistakes. They were practice.
Think of the you of the past as a dusty still life on a shelf. And the you of today? A whole new work of art, in living color.
An online commenter called the paparazzi “sacrophytes” and I’d never heard the term, so I Googled it. It turns out that there is a similar word, “saprophyte,” which is defined as: organisms, particularly fungi, which obtain nutrients directly from dead organic matter. An example would be mold on bread.
Over-analysis kicked in. Wait a minute. Don’t we humans get our nutrients from dead organic matter? Are we saprophytes?!? Aaah! It sounds awful.
On the other hand, since it’s such a scientific-sounding name, I could put that on my resume and it would sound impressive. For many years, I was an Advanced Saprophyte, specializing in the genus, “malus” in the variety of “plantae.” That’s just apple and plant in English.
But another search result took me at my word. Even though the word I’d typed in was incorrect, it really did a deep dive into what it felt I was searching for.
Showing page 1. Found 0 sentences matching phrase “sacrophyte”. Found in 0 ms. Translation memories are created by humans, but computer aligned, which might cause mistakes. They come from many sources and are not checked. Be warned.
Translation memories. Hmm.This was obviously a computer-generated response, but such an unexpected insight into the human psyche: “Be warned.” That computer really sounded human!
Is it possible that, in looking back on painful memories, we may actually be interpreting them incorrectly? Could it be that we don’t remember what happened, but how we felt about it, and that colors our memory of it?
Let’s let bygones be bygones. That is, say “bye” to the past and let it be gone. You did your best. It’s okay to put it to rest. There’s nothing left to translate or interpret. Just you, the road ahead and Providence over your shoulder.
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