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When I posted the above image on my Facebook page, it launched quite a discussion with my aunt. She pointed out that questions about jobs and houses and college are how we try to connect. Which is true.
But it may not be the best way.
In diversity training, we learn that there are questions that carry cultural and economic baggage. If you are middle class, you may not immediately realize this. These questions include:
Where do you work? Which assumes that not only do you have a job but that it is vitally important. People who work in service jobs may be okay discussing work with similarly employed people, but management? Um, no.
Do you own your house? Another money question. What’s our hang up? Oh, right. We really value money. But not everyone can or wants to own a house. Launching into a lecture about “good investments” isn’t going to change their minds.
Where are you going to college? College is not the ideal choice for everyone. Some people just aren’t suited to this particular path. Other people can’t afford it. Or they can only afford local and non-residential. Launching into a passionate speech about dorm life or sorority as a vital part of the college/growing-up experience? Sigh. Millions of people have grown into functional, thriving adults without this particular experience. Really. You’re talking to one of them.
When we launch into these topics, we often are not connecting with people. We are putting up barriers as we try to direct the conversation toward what matters to us. What then do you discuss?
With my friend’s youngest son, I ask him what he’s reading. He is always reading something and it is never what anyone would guess.
One of the teens always has on a t-shirt with a saying. We talk about her shirts.
Another teen is into all thing super hero so that’s what I bring up. Or we argue, I mean discuss, the plausibility or implausibility of various movies. The Meg, for example, would not have been able to survive in the deep ocean without equally huge prey. He would have also lost his eyes and his countershading since he wasn’t swimming within sight of sunlight.
In the story of the Tower of Babel, multiple languages were created to divide mankind. Me? I’ve always assumed we do enough of this ourselves when we assume that everyone values the same things that we do.
–SueBE
Him: What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing.
Him: Seriously. What’s wrong?
Me: Well, you are getting annoying but other than that nothing.
Him: Then quit it.
Me: …
And this, my friends, is when we discovered that I sigh when my asthma is bothering me. I’m not going to admit how many years I’d been dealing with asthma before my son put it all together but this made me wonder. How many people assumed that I was aggravated when I was just trying to draw a deep breath.
Humans are social animals. We live in groups. You’d think that this would make us really good at telling what others are thinking but I don’t think that’s the case.
We are rearranging the seating in choir and a few people missed the rehearsal when everyone got shifted around. When I tried to tell one of my fellow sopranos where her new seat was, she covered her face with both hands. She had some in late and we were in the middle of actually singing so I couldn’t strike up a conversation right then and there. But I did wonder – what the heck? Attitude much? When I had the opportunity to ask, I found out that she was in the middle of a migraine.
God granted us all the power of speech. How often though do we make assumptions instead of making human connections and asking – what’s up? There may not always be a problem or a problem we can address but we will have showed genuine carrying and made a connection. We are, after all, social creatures.
–SueBE