We try to tackle the big topics on this humble little blog: life, death, spirituality, peace, love, justice, mercy. So, in comparison, my topic today seems ludicrously flimsy and terribly vain: I am going to write about my recent decision to let my hair go gray, as it has been wanting to do, lo these many years.
I started going gray — white, really, if I’m honest — in my thirties. I’ve been dying my locks ever since. I consider being brunette part of my identity. I could never wear colored contacts, for instance. My brown eyes are also part and parcel of who I am. A good deal of this identity is wrapped up in pop culture: Brunettes are serious. They’re smart. My earliest role models were Mary Tyler Moore, Marlo Thomas on “That Girl” and Catwoman — all brunettes, all “making it after all,” on their own terms. That was my tribe!
So why change now? Why not go to my grave with my roots intact? Well, for one, my husband recently encouraged me to go natural. And if he doesn’t care, why should I care what the rest of the world thinks? Secondly, it’s a drain of time and money to continue to color my hair, and the chemicals involved are not as healthful and innocuous as one might think while watching a Clairol commercial. Third, why lie, even to myself, about what I look like? I like to think I embrace truth-telling. My white hair is a truth about myself.
But here’s the big one: I truly believe the purpose of life is in embracing the little “yesses.” After all, at the end of our lives, there is going to be a huge “yes” that we will have to embrace, like it or not. By accepting and welcoming each little “yes,” I prepare myself daily for the big “yes.”
And this is, despite being firmly entrenched in female vanity, a tough yes. I look at other women who are letting their hair go natural and I judge. It looks slovenly. Like a lack of self-care. And yes, I know that’s a horrible thing to think. I’m appalled at myself. But there it is. And this is what I will have to see in myself as my “skunk stripe” covers the crown of my head and extends, inexorably, downward. I will have to confront the worst in myself. I will have to deal with my own feelings about aging and about how women are judged and valued on their beauty and youth. I will have to see myself lacking.
And I will have to find God in all of this. I will have to grapple with a God who loves everything about me, but who created humans to love what is aesthetically pleasing. I will have to align myself with a God who expects my power to come from something bigger than a bottle of dye. I will have to say “yes,” not just once, but over and over again, every time my fingers itch to solve the problem with a box from the drugstore.
I am hoping all of this will be good for my soul. Because that’s the part of me I care about most. And it doesn’t need anything artificial in order to be beautiful, does it?
7 comments
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July 13, 2017 at 5:02 pm
calensariel
“I will have to grapple with a God who loves everything about me, but who created humans to love what is aesthetically pleasing.” That was my jaw hitting the floor you heard. That is a thought that has never occurred to me and yet you’re right. Good heavens. I’m going to be grappling with THAT comment all day! I know what you mean about the gray being lackluster. My gray is pert near the same color as my blonde. But I don’t want it to be dull and stringy looking. I bet ya there are natural treatments that can amp up the shine. Heck, our moms probably had tons of home treatments just fo that. I know I used to use lemon juice rinse to brighten my hair up. Wonder if THAT works on gray…
July 13, 2017 at 7:54 pm
loristrawn
Oh, Lady C, if you find such a solution, do share! Thanks for your always thoughtful comments.
July 13, 2017 at 7:49 pm
rhcwilliams
I think you’re perfect no matter what, dear Lori! You could also go in the other direction, defying convention and dying your hair purple, or rainbow-colored. Or perhaps get a reverse mohawk, with the stripe of missing hair down the center of your head! You’re still you, whatever you decide to do. XO
July 13, 2017 at 7:54 pm
loristrawn
Thanks for your love, Ruth.
July 13, 2017 at 7:55 pm
loristrawn
P.S. My husband suggested purple!
July 14, 2017 at 3:01 am
Visionariekind
loved it and this blog makes a big impact while we are all growing 🙂 thank you for this
July 14, 2017 at 4:38 pm
SueBE
My grandmother went pure white by 45 and wore it with pride. That said, she did silver it so it didn’t look “dingy.” “That just isn’t what God wants.” I never was 100% clear on how she reasoned that out, but I’m sure they spoke regularly …
If you need encouragement, just flip to my author photo on Facebook. That is NOT blonde that you’re seeing. 🙂
–SueBE