I’ve always thought of myself as possessing unlimited imagination, a riotous garden abloom. But just as weeds choke young flowers, so anxiety seizes me from time to time, strangling creativity before it can blossom. I get scared, see. And nothing does that more effectively than conflict.
My problem is that I want to be liked by everyone. But no one can be. People are far too variable in their affections, oscillating from fast friendship to loathing, allegiances twitching like a needle on a seismograph. Knowing this does not help; I still want everybody to be happy all the time. And where two parties’ happiness is diametrically opposed — aye, there’s the rub.
Simple answers present themselves: God loves me. Being loved isn’t my mission in this world; doing good is. You can’t make everybody happy. None of these truisms helps me sleep at night. (Okay, maybe the first one.) I am a perpetual middle child, always seeking harmony, always on edge.
All of which is to say that I have nothing to say. I cannot hold up any platitudes for you to embrace. I am all out of stories illustrating God’s Providence in the world. And you know what? That’s okay.
Being empty is also a state of being ready to be filled. And even in my darkest hours, I know this is possible, as I have been filled endlessly — to overflowing — by God’s movement in my life, over and over again. To say it can happen is to acknowledge that it will happen. And so it does.
Conflict will come and go; people will always resist the urge to let their gears mesh smoothly, often for very good reason. All I can do in these times is offer a place of peace. And when all peace has been drained from me, I can frankly and freely offer my empty cup to Christ. His peace is flowing like a river. He will always have some to spare.
7 comments
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July 16, 2015 at 4:47 pm
calensariel
Oh goodness… All I can say is you speak the words of my own heart. Sometimes when these desert episodes hang on too long I get really scared. It’s so good to know there are others out there who aren’t afraid to admit they feel that way, too. I so appreciate your honesty. {{{Lori}}}
July 16, 2015 at 5:01 pm
Lori Strawn
Hugs right back to you, my dear!
July 16, 2015 at 5:38 pm
rhcwilliams
Excellent post, Lori. I remember when I first found faith in my teens. Turned out it wasn’t a magic wand – I still had all the same problems and fears – so I walked away from it. Years later, I came back, grateful that God had never walked away from me. Thank you for this one. It’s cathartic.
July 16, 2015 at 5:38 pm
cheflauracerullo
I love this! We’ve all been there. Inspiration flows in many different avenues, it’s just being open and willing when it’s ready to express itself. Beautiful blog writing style! I’m glad I checked you out
July 17, 2015 at 7:40 pm
Lori Strawn
Thanks! I will give your blog a look-see, too!
July 18, 2015 at 7:38 am
in567
Wanting to be liked by others and being walked on all over kinda seems like they go hand in hand sometimes. Thanks for this post to remind us that only God’s love matters.
July 18, 2015 at 3:50 pm
Lori Strawn
Boy, are you right! Thanks for the support.